For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
