Texts From Last Night

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  (207): View more from Maine

  She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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  (207): She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird. http://tfl.nu/49lo
  Replies (20) Good night (7814) Bad night (2155)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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  (401): I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes. http://tfl.nu/a6fu
  Replies (12) Good night (5076) Bad night (977)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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  (216): there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay http://tfl.nu/f4sg
  Replies (21) Good night (3939) Bad night (1700)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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  (404): Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm. http://tfl.nu/cydy
  Replies (12) Good night (6242) Bad night (1111)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat

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  (214): so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat http://tfl.nu/flbd
  Replies (3) Good night (2450) Bad night (1057)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
  Replies (9) Good night (4153) Bad night (895)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.

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  (218): Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county. http://tfl.nu/h5dk
  Replies (12) Good night (1437) Bad night (732)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?

  (718): View more from New York

  See you tonight.

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  (201): Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning? (718): See you tonight. http://tfl.nu/wje2
  Replies (4) Good night (1646) Bad night (607)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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  (604): I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse. http://tfl.nu/53yl
  Replies (13) Good night (1224) Bad night (1288)
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again

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  (228): I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again http://tfl.nu/bu4d
  Replies (2) Good night (796) Bad night (321)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

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  (403): I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great. http://tfl.nu/f5oy
  Replies (3) Good night (841) Bad night (350)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.

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  (832): Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead. http://tfl.nu/yr8v
  Replies (0) Good night (449) Bad night (395)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  why am i naked

  (512): View more from Texas

  you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home

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  (512): why am i naked (512): you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home http://tfl.nu/ze4v
  Replies (3) Good night (752) Bad night (390)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  "I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"

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  (313): "I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead" http://tfl.nu/zzf1
  Replies (3) Good night (406) Bad night (666)
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.

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  (573): Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move. http://tfl.nu/x4s9
  Replies (2) Good night (457) Bad night (236)

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