I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Girls should come with a carfax report
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice