Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
being pregnant is like rehab
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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