does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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