I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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