I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
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I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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