I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
