I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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