My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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