Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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