The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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