I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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