Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
