it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
