I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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