so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
