just come out here and I will go home with you...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Less talking, more tequila
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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