Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
