Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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