i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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