one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
