Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
