im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
