She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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