Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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