We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize