you're like a bully in the Christmas story
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
