Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
