I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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