I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
