I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
