I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
