My friends, they love my intelligence
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
