If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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