tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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