I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
