ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
