Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
