$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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