im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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