The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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