what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.