I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.