if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!