i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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