just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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