Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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