if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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