I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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