good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
that may or may not have been my penis.
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