theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this will be a night to untag.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
