Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
