My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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