Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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