got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
