I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
